BAHIA!
A Farce
With Music
c1994
Tristan Winter
CHARACTERS
MAXIMILLIAN KHONÖL-BERNE´S
Proprietor of the Bahia cabaret. An older gentleman. Can be from mid-fifties to mid-eighties, portly but with some physical grace remaining. Formal attire.
MATHILDE KHONÖL-BERNE´S
His wife. Somewhat younger than her husband. Very proper, matronly and overweight. Formal evening gown.
NICODEMUS KHONÖL-BERNE´S
Their son. Ten years old. Plump and bespectacled. Outfitted in short pants and shirt, both bright yellow. Neckerchief with symbolic clasp.
PEPPERONI
Singer and Master of Ceremonies at the Bahia. Early thirties to early forties. Leopard-skin tuxedo, clashing tie and cummerbund.
SALOME´
Singer at the Bahia. Twenties to thirties. Exotic beauty slightly weathered by a hard-bitten background. Unabashedly sensual. Sexy bird-of-paradise dress.
ROSALIA
Singer at the Bahia. Around twenty, if that. Very beautiful but untouched. Radiates innocence despite her obvious allure. Colorful, sexy dress which does not have the same effect on her as it would on Salome.
SENATOR ANTHRAX
Sole surviving member of the legislative branch. Same age bracket as Maximillian. His appearance blares a lifetime of power and dissipation. Dressed in jodhpurs, boots and an extremely loud red and white striped jacket.
SCHMILK
The Senator’s Aide de Camp. Twenties to thirties. Elastic and gawky. Wears mismatched military style outfit with a bullseye target on the back. Also a very tiny bowler hat.
SCENE
The interior of the BAHIA, a medium-sized cabaret on the sovereign island of San Cuspidor. Upstage center: a semi-circular stage with curtains behind leading to dressing rooms. Large bay windows on either side of it. Upstage left: stairs leading up to living quarters. Upstage right: door to a utility closet. Downstage left: an entrance door leading to the street. Downstage right: a set of swinging doors leading to the kitchen. Furthest downstage left: a small cabaret table with two chairs.
ACT I
(Pin spot on Pepperoni.)
PEPPERONI
Night Time! The hour of love and mysterious colors. A wisp of dream or cigarette smoke. Romance! A case of mistaken identity, a half-forgotten desire purring in a warm corner of your heart. Romance, Ladies and Gentlemen: love.
(Music starts. Light gradually grows to encompass the semi-circular stage. On either side of Pepperoni sway Salome and Rosalia. The music continues to build throughout Pepperoni‘s introduction, until the song commences full swing.)
PEPPERONI
A fantastic good evening to you all! Welcome tonight, my friends, to Bahia, the land of happy hearts, each bursting with a million colored birds. Bahia, where you discover the small satin delights that caress all riddles known to man! Bahia, where the moon itself kisses your neck, or a secret finger brushes your thigh. Bahia, where you will soon be floating in the submarine velvet of ecstasy. For tonight, this very special night. we sing of: love.
(Lights begin to illuminate the rest of the club, revealing Maximillian Khonöl-Berne´s (known as Maxi) behind the bar placidly sorting receipts.)
PEPPERONI
Yes, my very dear friends. I take you all to my bosom! Come and follow me through our catacomb of passion. Come with me to Bahia! Ah, Bahia, where a song or a drink can turn your innards to boiling incontinence!
(Maxi looks up from his calculations and catches Pepperoni‘s eye with a cue to tone it down.)
PEPPERONI
Bahia, the most beautiful nightclub on the island! Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to tonight! Tonight you will feel those sweet violet breezes kissing your eyes, and when our beautiful ladies sing you will perhaps treat yourselves to little tears, soft as orange blossoms–at no charge, tanti grazie our wonderful management!
(Maxi rolls his eyes but continues his work.)
PEPPERONI
Tonight, mes amis, we will bring strange men out from under bridges, women from around the world will come in from under the stars to see us dance and sing until we are perspiring with pleasure; pleasure–that is our only purpose in life once we have entered the Bahia! And to assist me in my pleasures I have here beside me the very beautiful, the very warm and divine SALOME! Many of you wonderful guests may remember our Salome from when she enchanted the Queen of England and the entire Ugandan Navy! And very close to all our hearts, my friends, here the lovely ROSALIA! Yes, yes, Meinen Damen und Herren, they are much too beautiful, but we have just started and I must ask you to restrain yourself und nix mit der nickle knocken auf der noggin. Ah, but for your, meine liebschen, I have a magic surprise: tonight we have the famous Dr. Josef Mengele and his Amazonian Children’s Choir singing Don‘t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue. Haha! Surely I jest!
(At this point Maxi, Salome and Rosalia are obviously prodding and gesticulating for Pepperoni to toe the line. Rosalia seems confused and almost frightened. Maxi makes various signals (finger across the throat, etc.) to Salome to control Pepperoni. Salome actually wallops Pepperoni, who barely maintains his balance.)
PEPPERONI
Forgive me, oh most distinguished and well-endowed guests. I am so excited about being with you here in the fabulous Bahia tonight that I get the program mixed up. For even I still tremble with delight when I walk into the Bahia! To think that just two years ago I was wearing a pickle barrel and dancing in the gutters and today… well, you can see for yourselves how colossal it is to be here and not get paid for weeks just because the proprietor is a wrinkled old wheezebag who can barely keep from losing this shirt…
(Maxi, still more or less patient, puts down his accounts and marches directly over to Pepperoni. He pulls Pepperoni down, says a few words, turns back towards the bar, turns again to Pepperoni and gives him a gesture to show that he meant what he said.)
PEPPERONI
Companeros! Magnificent Senoritas! Wonderful news! I have just been informed that the proprietor is not a wrinkled old wheezebag and that, merci moltolissimo to your generosity, we shall be paid before the first show is even finished!
(Salome and Rosalia greet this news with even bigger smiles. Rosalia dances a little more energetically. Salome tries to embrace Pepperoni.)
PEPPERONI
But just to be sure, I will write on this paper my retraction for this little slip of the tongue, and will deliver it personally as soon as we receive our checks.
(Pepperoni jots something on a small slip of paper and returns it to his breast pocket, pushing Salome away with his elbow.)
PEPPERONI
You see how happy life becomes when night comes down to open our souls. We were speaking of that purest desire of all: love. For even the most decadent flower among you feels the wonder, the burning, cannibal cravings of true romance. And to find it? To discover the ruby heart with our name on it? Where shall we go, my friends? –Bahia!
(Pepperoni sings the following song, accompanied by Salome and Rosalia.)
Where shall we go, shall we go
Across the sea we will row, you and me
Like birds of paradise to beauty we shall flee
And then who shall we be, shall we be
Like gods of love, in their heaven up above
In skies of blue to our hearts we will be true
And then how shall we dance, shall we dance
A lovers‘ tango and at midnight dine on mango
One for each, beneath the stars above the beach
As the sun perfumes the sky a rosy gold, together we’ll grow old
Drink little cups of one another, from such heights we’ll never fall
We’ll be in love with the wonder of love’s call
With our heart, we shall dance with all our heart
On my lap my arms around you I will wrap
Beneath the palms we’ll adore each other on the shore
And then what shall we sing, shall we sing
Of life so nice, in our tropic paradise
As we aspire to that purest of desires
Is it happiness, this happiness
That warms our heart, can such happiness depart
We will bury ourselves deep, forever sleep.
PEPPERONI
Thankyou, thankyou, my friends. Please, enjoy yourselves tonight, sit back with your lover or your drink and make yourself quite so much at home. We shall be back with more songs for your soul, and much more beauty and happiness!
(Pepperoni, Salome und Rosalia bow and step off the stage, making for the bar.)
PEPPERONI
(To Maxi) Hey, Boss, nice show tonight, eh? And that was off the cuff!
MAXI
Very nice, Pepperoni, you are one of a kind. You might also be the last of your kind if you insist on discussing my financial vicissitudes with the audience.
PEPPERONI
Ah, who cares? These first show punters don’t even notice, I‘ll clean it up for the second show tonight.
MAXI
Well, see that you do. I‘m expecting a very significant guest tonight.
SALOME
Is he rich? (To Rosalia) That always looks distinguished on a man.
MAXI
You, on the other hand, do not. Salome, you must by no means inflict yourself on this man. Senator Anthrax is without question the most powerful man in San Cuspidor and we shall treat him with all the deference and respect due to him. The bureaucrats have been threatening to close us down and the Senator is our last chance. I met him only once before, at the Pellegrino Embassy, but he seems to have remembered me. He’s flying in for the second show and I expect him to stay for our anniversary dinner.
ROSALIA
Your anniversary! Oh, we forgot! We should have gotten something for Madame.
MAXI
That’s very kind of you, my dear, but I’ll take the responsibility. (Handing Pepperoni some cash) Pepperoni, take this and see that my wife winds up with plenty of flowers for the banquet. Meanwhile (Handing out the paychecks), let‘s all keep our fingers crossed.
PEPPERONI
Thanks, Boss. It’ll be smooth sailing tonight, I promise. -Oh, I almost forgot: my retraction.
MAXI
Yes, Yes. Thankyou. I‘d better see how the dinner is coming. -And, Pepperoni? Make sure you fix that chair.
(Maxi, absently holding Pepperoni’s retraction, disappears into the kitchen. Pepperoni maintains his position behind the bar. Salome counts on her fingers and scrutinizes her paycheck.)
ROSALIA
Well, I hope it all works out. I‘d better go upstairs and practice. It makes me nervous to sing in front of stuffy senators. You can never tell what they’re thinking.
(Rosalia finishes her drink, tucks her paycheck in her dress and goes upstairs.)
SALOME
Pour me another, Pep, this is going to be one of those nights. Everybody cramped with rigor mortis and no fun in sight. Why don‘t you sit here and cheer me up?
PEPPERONI
Sorry, happy hour is over. Besides, there’s not enough time for your kind of cheer, you‘re on in a few minutes.
SALOME
You should marry me, you know. We‘d have all the time in the world, then.
PEPPERONI
No. Go away.
SALOME
(Grabbing him by the hair and shaking him affectionately) Ah, you’re too sensitive! Come on, let`s do it tonight, when the Khonöl-Berne´s’ are celebrating their marriage. Just throw on a suit and get yourself a shave…
PEPPERONI
(Prying her hands away) You mean get myself trimmed! I know what you`re like, and I sure have enough sense to run away before the bill comes due.
SALOME
(Resigned to rejection) Oh well, I always said you looked dashing.
PEPPERONI
Ah. but only from behind!
(Maxi emerges from the kitchen.)
MAXI
You two had better behave, I don’t want any funny business tonight. Oh, and Pepperoni, (Pulling out Pepperoni`s retraction and referring to it) I was wondering if you could explain to me just how, in your eyes, I resemble (Placing his finger on the passage in question) a “Nicotine stain on the undershorts of society?”
PEPPERONI
Oh. Ahh…I guess it`s just…
(Mathilde enters with Nicodemus in tow. Both are carrying packages.)
MATHILDE
(To Maxi) Hello, dear. You`ve missed another glorious sunset. (To Nicodemus) Go get yourself a glass of milk, Nicky.
(Nicodemus drops his bundles and goes into the kitchen.)
MAXI
(Pecking Mathilde on the cheek. He absently wipes his mouth, she her cheek) Happy anniversary, dear. The Senator has accepted my invitation and will be flying in to join us for our little dinner tonight.
MATHILDE
(Preening) Oh, my! This really is going to be a wonderful night. (Carefully examining her hands) I wish I hadn`t stayed out in the sun so long. I`m starting to break out again.
(The dialogue is overridden by the sound of an airplane screaming down as though to crash.)
SALOME
What is that?
MAXI
(At the window) A plane! It`s falling right towards us! Quick! Everybody out! Hurry!
(Maxi hustles out Mathilde, Salome and Pepperoni.)
(The scream of the plane grows to maximum volume, becomes the sound of screeching brake, then ceases abruptly. Schmilk runs down the stairs, whips out a ruler, flops it around, moistens his finger and holds it up as though checking wind direction, and runs back up the stairs. The falling plane noise resumes until, with a huge crash, the nose of a plane splinters through the ceiling. Schmilk walks down the stairs, followed by the Senator.)
SENATOR
Excellent flying, Schmilk! Nothing like the wind in your hair, your hair in my mouth, my mouth in the fuselage!
SCHMILK
Yes, sir, Senator! Good thing you had those brakes put in.
SENATOR
Yes, them’s the brakes! Some people got them, some don’t. The guy I borrowed those from, now, he don’t. -Schmilk!
SCHMILK
Yes, sir!
SENATOR
(Pointing to the bar) Do my eyes deceive me? Do my socks a-tingle? What is that?
SCHMILK
A bar, Senator.
SENATOR
Well?
SCHMILK
(Running over to the bar and starting to prepare a drink) Yes, sir! Right away!
SENATOR
(Looking around) Say, this isn`t too frowsy!
(Nicodemus enters from the kitchen, a glass of milk in hand. Curious, he stands behind the Senator.)
SCHMILK
(Popping up from behind the bar with a bottle, then ducking back down to look for another ingredient) Ah! Here it is!
(Without seeing him, the Senator automatically reaches behind and takes the glass of milk from Nicodemus’ hand and takes a gulp. He spits out the milk in horror then turns directly to Nicodemus.)
SENATOR
(To Nicodemus) Schmilk, you chucklepump! Get out of that outfit at once!
SCHMILK
(Popping back up from behind the bar) Yes, sir, Boss! (He begins to remove his clothes)
SENATOR
(Seeing Schmilk on hearing his last line, turns back to Nicodemus and starts in shock) My God! A spy! A midget! Arrest him! Seize him!
SCHMILK
(Running over to Nicodemus with his clothes half off and tucking the boy under his arm) Yes, sir, I`ve got him!
SENATOR
Hah! Bearing small arms in the presence of a government official! String him up, Schmilk!
(Schmilk pulls out a handy noose and fits it over the struggling child`s head just as the others return from outside.)
MATHILDE
My son!
SENATOR
(Turning, bewildered, to Mathilde) Mommy?
MAXI
Senator! What are you doing? That’s my son, our boy!
SENATOR
(To Nicodemus) Is this true?
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Yes, sir! Crave to betide, sir, I’m Nicodemus Khonöl-Berne´s, citizen of San Cuspidor and second-star Veal Scout! At your service, sir!
SENATOR
Hmm. I see. A little mix-up. Oh, well, let me buy you a drink, then. (To Salome) Open up the sluice gates and deluge us with some of that clown sauce!
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, I don`t drink. (Piously). A Veal Scout must forsake all fiber-debilitating substance and see that his corporeal being is at all times milk-fed.
MAXI
(Embarassed, to Pepperoni) Pepperoni, why don’t you take Nicodemus along with you and see to that purchase.
(Pepperoni takes Nicodemus outside, Salome pours drinks.)
MAXI
Senator, ah… you’re early! (Pushing Mathilde towards him) My dear friend, may I present…
MATHILDE
Oh my, Senator, you’ve no idea what a pleasure it is for me to finally have your here!
SENATOR
Oh, no no no; the pleasure is for me! -Shall we say midnight? Behind the latrine?
MAXI
(Spilling his drink) Hack!
MATHILDE
(Flirtatious) Oh really, Senator! Are you always so bold?
SENATOR
Bold? Hah! No one could doubt my bravery in the face of a woman like you!
MAXI
Senator, please! If we could just start all over! (Pulling up some dignity and formality) I would like you to meet my wife, Mathilde.
MATHILDE
(Extending her hand) A privilege!
SENATOR
(Kissing her hand) A piffle!
MATHILDE
(Whipping her hand away in pain) Ow!
SENATOR
What? Have I hurt you already?
MATHILDE
(Apologetic. Nursing her hand) Oh, no no. Really, it`s me: just a little pimple from burn.
SENATOR
Oh? I didn`t know you were Swiss!
MATHILDE
Certainly not! I am French!
SENATOR
Of course, how silly of me! (Walloping Mathilde on the back) That would explain the hearty masculine effluvia thundering off the back off your dress. (To Maxi) Nice going, Frenchy!
MAXI
(Spilling his second drink) Hack!
MATHILDE
Please try to remember, Senator, that my husband is not properly speaking “Frenchy”. He is Alsatian.
SENATOR
Really? My sister made it with a Pomeranian once. That son of a bitch. When I saw what he had done to her it was off to the pound, double-time. Eventually she shacked up with a Mexican Hairless and -guess what? -No more carpet burn! (Suddenly turning to Salome) Say, what do you do around here?
SALOME
More than you can, I’ll bet.
SENATOR
Hah! We’ll see about that! (To Schmilk) Schmilk, run down to the corner and see if you can forage up some Dr. Brown’s. I’ll need plenty of zip tonight!
SCHMILK
Yes, sir!
(Schmilk runs out.)
MAXI
Salome! -She sings! She sings, that’s all! Mathilde, dearest, get him… I mean… would you show the Senator around a little? I’m sure he`s tired after that flight.
MATHILDE
(At a loss) Well, perhaps we could start with the kitchen. We just had it recertified this month…
SENATOR
Ah, the kitchen! That reminds me: in honor of this happy occasion I was going to have the chef whip us up a pile of my special flayed squirrel sauerkraut.
MATHILDE
Oh, no! Please, Senator, our Antoine is very particular about menu suggestions and my husband has been hard pressed to come to any agreement with him at all.
SENATOR
Nonsense. The boy will love it. (He charges into the kitchen)
MAXI
Senator!
(From within the kitchen an enormous fight is heard: pots and pans crashing, glass exploding, etc. The others stand aghast. The chef is heard screaming in ineffable agony, ending with a piercing cry.)
SENATOR
(Bouncing out of the kitchen) It’s cool. He’ll do it.
MAXI
(Attempting to break the general shock) Pepperoni! Rosalia! Pepperoni!
(Pepperoni runs in.)
MAXI
Pepperoni! The show! For god’s sake, do something -quick. (Pushing Salome toward the stage) Get her on! Sing! Anything!
PEPPERONI
(Leaping to the stage) Haha! A marvelous night for gallantry! We have happy love, my friends, and we have cruel love. For those of you who like to feel a little salt in their wounds, I give you now a woman who needs no further innoculation: the divine SALOME!
SALOME
(Dutifully going on. To Pepperoni) I’ll get you, lover!
(Rosalia comes downstairs to sing back-up. Salome sings the following song, largely to Pepperoni. The Senator ignores them and almost falls asleep at the downstage table.)
Now I’ve been a lot of funny places and I’ve done a lot of funny things
I’ve met a lot of funny men who gave me lots of rings and flings.
Sometimes the ride was bumpy but I still came out on top
I’d say: if you really loved me you would love my riding crop.
I’ve been naughty more than I’ve been nice.
But, Honey, you treat me cold as ice!
I was the best in Budapest in Paris I was chic
a goddess right at home in Rome, in Berlin I turned a freak.
Around the world my lips were curled in passionate disdain
I like to walk through graveyards and hear the dead men moan in pain.
I`ve been working up quite a sweat
But, Daddy, you act like we just met!
I like a man who likes me every way a bad boy can
I like to see them bent in misery, you know I like that in a man
I like to see them going crazy, jumping round like little apes
I like to watch their eyes get hazy when I make them peel me grapes.
I`m a real ivory-inlaid queen
So why did I get the one that’s mean?
Now, any man will stand up for a girl who does no wrong
But no girl’s going to stand and wait for he who waits too long.
To men who want to talk of love and whimper like a pup
I say: hey shut your mouth, I’ve heard enough, just zip it up.
I`m glad to know that I amuse you all
But, Baby, you’re cruel and unusual!
I was the best in Budapest, in Paris I was chic
A goddess right at home in Rome, in Berlin I turned a freak.
Around the world my lips were curled in passionate disdain
I used to walk through graveyards to hear the dead men moan in pain.
(Salome ackowledges the audience, somewhat curtly, takes Pepperonini by the arm and makes for the exit. Rosalia returns to the bar.)
SALOME
(Exiting. To Pepperoni) Come on, baby boy, let’s work on our moves. You’re mine tonight or I’ll eat your hat.
(Schmilk runs in carrying a small bag.)
SCHMILK
Senator! Did I miss anything?
SENATOR
Little heat wave is all. Did you get my zip?
SCHMILK
(Fishing something out of the bag) They were all out of Dr. Brown’s, so I got you some of these Dr. Scholl thingies instead.
SENATOR
What? Now how am I going to work myself up with these? Schmilk, you footling! You loafer! If I toed you once, I toed you a thousand times, I won’t wear anything in my socks that doesn’t come off with a potato peeler!
MAXI
Senator! This is revolting!
SENATOR
Nonsense. Everyone knows about my socks appeal.
MATHILDE
How terrible!
SENATOR
You’re a fine one to talk! Let`s see you try to keep it up without one of those goiter belts!
MAXI
(Whisking Mathilde and the Senator upstairs) Haha! Why don’t we all just take a little breather and freshen up. Come, dear, let`s get the Senator settled in. Rosalia, would you be so kind as to wait here for me? -I wished to speak with you about something.
(Maxi, Mathilde and the Senator disappear up the stairs, leaving Rosalia and Schmilk at the bar. Rosalia, at a loss for anything else to do, pours Schmilk a drink.)
ROSALIA
My room is upstairs, I noticed you the moment you arrived. Are you with the Government?
SCHMILK
Well, yes, but I sometimes feel like I`m the only one.
ROSALIA
I’ve always admired independence and a reclining hairline. It shows great character in a man.
SCHMILK
Well, I remember the Senator once told me very loudly that character is a poor excuse for intelligence.
ROSALIA
Still, I think it’s important to a woman. Myself, I’m always waiting for a man of great character to come along, a real man, someone who could love me like they did in the old days… I mean like the classic lovers: Dante and Beatrice, Lancelot and Guinevere, Jolson and Keeler!
SCHMILK
Jolson? Al Jolson?
ROSALIA
You know about these things?
SCHMILK
Al Jolson? He was my mother’s one great love.
ROSALIA
You mean you’re related?
SCHMILK
Well… I mean…
ROSALIA
Oh, this is too good to be true! What a man! Do you know he once punched Walter Winchell in the neck?
SCHMILK
(Squirming) Ahh, no…I…
ROSALIA
Now, that’s what I mean by a real man: one who doesn’t flinch from violence when a woman’s pleasure is at stake!
SCHMILK
(Brightening) Well, I once watched my mother kick my father in the num-nums three or four times in rapid succession.
ROSALIA
(Suspiciously) But did you flinch?
SCHMILK
(Proudly) Not me!
ROSALIA
Oh, Schmilk, can it really be? Is it possible that we are so much alike? (Suddenly suspicious) Did you ever have a girlfriend?
SCHMILK
(Hanging his head) No…I..well, no. But once I..well…(coming out with it) once I did wrong in the wood shed!
ROSALIA
You see? I, too, have remained pure. The only thing I know about sex I’ve had to teach myself. Well, actually Sal showed me a couple of things.
SCHMILK
That’s great! Do you think she could show me?
ROSALIA
I`m not sure. Sal’s kind of particular. -I know she doesn`t like stretch marks.
SCHMILK
That’s no problem, look! (He pulls up his shirt and bloats out his belly) Did you ever see a belly like this before?
ROSALIA
(Delighted) Oh, Schmilk, you’re like some kind of Greek god, come to save me from mortal despair! We could run away together! I could perfect my bodily functions until they were worthy of you, and…and… I could teach you French! It’s true! I taught myself to speak French and I can teach you! -At least I think it`s French.
SCHMILK
(His stomach still exposed and distended) What else could it be? Oh, Rosie!
ROSALIA
Oh, Schmilkie! Let`s do it right here! (Launching into her “French”) Peely wheely spoik lue dimondangly pimpalousa whowell de jimpalimmy…Come on, it’s easy!
(Schmilk, amazed and impressed, begins to join her, in unison. Rosalia, swept away, also sticks out her stomach until the two of them are facing each other with their bellies stuck out as far as possible and yammering wildly.)
SCHMILK & ROSALIA
Peely wheely spoik de whalp frimbly wheeze lue dimondangly pimpalousa whowell de jimpalimmy mimble twinny deedelychamp la squoo la squee de frimbely zimp…
(Maxi enters.)
MAXI
Rosalia! My God, what the hell is going on here?
(Schmilk and Rosalia stop yapping, Schmilk a few seconds later than Rosalia. Both, however, remain standing with their bellies out.)
ROSALIA
(Timidly) We were speaking French.
SCHMILK
(Doffing his hat to Maxi) Peely Wheely.
MAXI
This is no time to be taking advantage of our guests. You know very well that any small gifts I will overlook, but making government emissaries look like morons is quite out of the question. Young man, I sincerely hope you will forget this incident.
SCHMILK
Oh, never! I’ve already absorbed more than I could have hoped for, and Salome is going to teach me even more stuff later!
MAXI
(Trying to escort Schmilk out) My boy, that would definitely lead to complications. Now please be so kind as to let me have a word with Rosalia here.
(Maxi tries to push Schmilk through the door.)
ROSALIA
(Grabbing Schmilk out of Maxi’s hands) Wait! I think I remember what Sal showed me! Meet me later…
SCHMILK
I`ll come to your room.
ROSALIA
No. There’s not enough space. -In the kitchen! Meet me in the kitchen. Oh, Schmilkie, I’m pulsating already!
MAXI
(Pushing Schmilk through the door) That’s quite enough, you two. We’re on a tight schedule here and I’m afraid you`ll have to go now.
(Maxi hurls Schmilk through the door.)
MAXI
Rosalia, I don`t know quite…
(The door bursts open to reveal Schmilk on bended knee, mouth agape and arms held wide out to Rosalia in a hideous approximation of the famous Jolson pose.)
SCHMILK
(Passionately) Peely Wheely!
(Rosalia clutches her breast and almost swoons with a visible twang of her body.)
MAXI
(Whirling around and slamming the door on Schmilk`s face) Get out! (Roughly smoothing his face in an attempt to cover his exasperation) Good God! Where does the Government ever find these idiots?
ROSALIA
Hah! That idiot will probably be President someday!
MAXI
It wouldn`t surprise me. (Approaching Rosalia) Rosalia, I don`t know…I mean, I think it`s time…well, tell me: are you happy here, my dear?
ROSALIA
Oh, yes! For the very first time in my life. Now I am happy!
MAXI
You have no idea how pleased I am. This is what I wanted: to see you truly happy. Rosalia, oh, Rosalia! I have tortured myself trying to think of what more I could give you, I weep with joy to see your joy. My body, wracked as it is, shivers with delight when you do.
ROSALIA
(Pulling away from him) Have you been spying on me and Sal again?
MAXI
Heavens, no! You know how my wife feels about that.
ROSALIA
Haha! Everyone on the island probably knows how she feels. (Laughing) I`ll never forget how funny you looked running through the streets that way…
MAXI
Rosalia, please!
ROSALIA
And the way you kept yelling “Help! Help” in that funny voice…
MAXI
Enough!
ROSLIA
(Squealing in imitation) Help! Help!
MAXI
ENOUGH! How can I live when I`m smothered in such idiocy? How can I ever maintain my dignity? (He goes over and collapses into the downstage chair. This is a trick chair that is bolted to the floor at its base in order that its seat and back (which are connected to each other) can flip backwards a full 45 degrees (so that the seat is pointing straight up, its underside facing the audience, its cushion facing the back wall of the stage.) Maxi plops into the chair on the word “dignity” and is immediately flipped backwards out of the chair and on to the floor. The chair, however, is set on a spring mechanism so that it pops back up instantly.)
MAXI
Hack! Help! Pepperoni! Pepperoni, you fool! Pepperoni!
ROSALIA
(In earnest) Help! Help!
(Pepperoni runs in.)
PEPPERONI
(Dashing around looking for Maxi) Right here, Boss! Here I am! I`m here now! O.K. Boss!
MAXI
SHUT UP! Pepperoni! Get me up! I thought I told you to fix that chair!
PEPPERONI
Sorry, boss, I was helping Sal with the new routine. You know, King Akimbo and the Mysterious Squeegee Dancer. Of course, you`ve probably already seen…
MAXI
GET OUT! (Shoves Pepperoni out) Come back later and fix that goddamn chair! How can I be expected to turn a profit around here when everyone is busy watching Salome! I suppose it‘s of no importance whether I break my neck as long as the paychecks are cashed. (Pulling himself together) Rosalia, my dear, I`m sorry you had to see that.
ROSALIA
I didn`t mind, but I have to get ready for my number.
MAXI
Wait, please. I have to talk to you! I have been agonizing so long over how to tell you these things. If you only knew how much you meant to me! It`s really your welfare that I`m concerned with.
ROSALIA
You mean you’re firing me? -I won`t tell anybody what happened, I swear! Sal was the one who broke the chair in the first place! Don`t you remember? Your cousins were all here after the show last night and she…
MAXI
No, no, no. I couldn`t fire you, not after all you’ve come to mean to me. Rosalia, please try to understand what I’m saying. (Clutching at her) Exquisite child! It’s your eyes, the way they burn through my heart; the way your hips say hello and goodbye to me every time you walk through the room. Rosalia, I want you for myself, to be my wife!
ROSALIA
And who is she supposed to be? Me? Hah! Nobody`s going to pay to listen to that awful screeching.
MAXI
That awful screeching is what I`m talking about. Every night I lie in bed listening to that beached whale communicating in hideous screeches and scrawls, and all the time thinking of you!
ROSALIA
(Offended) Me! Look, I could say the same thing about you, you know.
MAXI
(Delighted. Grabbing her) Oh, thank you, Lord! Rosalia! Let’s leave tonight. I’ll have the divorce papers drawn up. I’ll slip them to her as soon as possible…right after our anniversary dinner. We can come back after a little while, when she`s calmed down. I saw my solicitor today and I think I can find a way to keep the cabaret. It will be you and me and the Bahia!
ROSALIA
(Now completely confused, trying to escape Maxi`s arms) But what about your wife? I don`t think Madame will go for this at all!
MAXI
(Ecstatic) Haha! We shall toss her to the winds like an old banana peel! (Thinking he must reassure Rosalia of his love) I swear, she means nothing to me! She talks, I hear nothing! She enters the room, I see a brief -albeit large- shadow! Nothing, I swear! (Wistfully) Sometimes at night I look over and imagine her lying there with the side of her head staved in!
ROSALIA
(Vaguely understanding the direction Maxi`s last words have led) Mister Khonöl-Bernés! This kind of sweet-talk can be very impressionable to a girl of my years, but I must tell you I was already in love when you walked in here.
MAXI
(Dancing with joy and Rosalia, too) It’s too good to be true! If I had only known, Rosalia, your name would have been on my bank account long before this glorious night! (Gripping her and bending her backwards) I must see you alone. Later, tonight. I can`t wait any longer than that!
ROSALIA
(Dubious) You mean for the money? You`re serious?
MAXI
(Passionately) For love and money!
(Schmilk enters, firmly escorted by Mathilde. Pepperoni reappears and tends the bar.)
MAXI
And now, sing, sing my love. The Senator will be down in a minute and he is crucial to our plans.
ROSALIA
I will. I will sing to the man I love.
(Rosalia steps onto the semi-circular stage and sings.)
ROSALIA
If he could read in my eyes
All the years that I`ve cried
In my little bedroom
My life like the single glass of wine
All alone on the table
In the moonlight by the window
If he could know by my name
I was his all these years
That each night I would lay
My heart in the music box by my pillow
So many tears I have saved in the jar on the sill
Waiting for the rose that blooms just for me
If he`d touch his lips to my eyes
With a kiss for each day
That I have waited
If he could see my love waiting
So long at the top
Of empty stairways
Each day of sorrow like a knife
In my heart, a golden knife
Until he found me
My name hidden in his pocket as he whistled down the streets
And I waited in the crushing silence of my room
Singing for my supper, crying for my comfort
Softly shaking in my dress, waiting for his first caress
Wondering if he`d know by my name
All the sorrow and pain I`ve been living without him
(Rosalia steps down and walks over to the bar to join Schmilk. The others crowd around her in a congratulatory manner as Maxi tries to push them away.)
MATHIDE
That was very beautiful, my child. You seem to have reached into your very depths.
ROSALIA
Thankyou. (Proudly) I was singing to the man I love.
PEPPERONI
She should get a raise.
ROSALIA
Oh I am! A whole bank account, too. You’ve been nice to me, Pepperoni, I’ll see that you get to stay when I get the club.
MATHILDE
What on earth is she talking about?
MAXI
It`s fever! She`s little overwhelmed by things, that`s all!
SENATOR
(Singing, off, to the tune of That Daring Young Man On The Flying Trapeeze) Hmmm… Like flies in my hair, or a handfull of sneeze…
MAXI
(Hustling everybody out) Pepperoni, did you see about those flowers?
PEPPERONI
You bet. I sent Nicodemus out for plenty.
MAXI
(Pushing the others out) Mathilde, my dear, come wash me! -Schmilk, you come help! I`ll be right up!
SENATOR
(Singing, off) I let out a squeal, and I give it a squeeze…
MAXI
Go! Go!
ALL
Really! What is the matter with you, etc.
MAXI
Rosalia, darling! Stay here and charm the Senator for a minute. Tell him, tell him all about us! Perhaps when he sees what kind of man I really am he can be pursuaded to help us.
(The Senator enters)
SENATOR
Ah, Maxi! I tell you I am absolutely delighted to be here tonight. Did you know your toilet’s plugged up?
MAXI
Senator, please, don`t let it worry you. I have someone very special I want you to meet. (Pushing Rosalia towards the Senator) May I introduce Rosalia?
SENATOR
WOW! (His pants explode)
MAXI
My God! Senator, are you alright?
SENATOR
(Fanning the smoke and coughing) Fine, fine. Just a little hardening of the arteries is all.
MAXI
(To Rosalia) This is good! This is more than I expected! (To the Senator) Senator I must ask you to excuse me for a minute, I have some rather delicate matters I must look into.
SENATOR
What a coincidence. I mean, go. (Pushing Maxi off) Leave! Leave me, and don`t come back until you hear my teeth ricochet off the walls! (Turning to Rosalia.) Now, then, I`ll tell you what. How about if I buy that dress off you for a large amount of chicken coupons?
ROSALIA
What!
SENATOR
Oh, I know what you`re thinking. -A few poultry dollars? Not me!
ROSALIA
(Indignant) That`s right, not me! What kind of girl is going to take off her dress for an old coot like you?
SENATOR
Thats what I`m trying to find out. By way of a general answer, though, many girls in the past were surprised to find themselves doing just that. And not all of them were attracted to me just because of my astounding physique.
ROSALIA
Well, I’m supposed to talk to you, but I think you’d better shut up.
SENATOR
Ah, I see you remain skeptical. I find that very attractive in a women, amongst other things. Spry and moist, that’s very important to me. You know, I once was in love with a girl like you, way back in my early days. In fact I was still wearing my State Farm jacket…
ROSALIA
(Disgusted) You mean you sold insurance?
SENATOR
(Irate) What kind of vermin do you take me for? (Proudly) This was the Honor Farm!
ROSALIA
(Contrite) I`m sorry. I guess you’re not really the bottom of the barrel after all.
SENATOR
See, it must be love! You`re the first girl who`s ever said that to me! Oh, love, love! To think of all the amazing things two people can do together when such emotion carries them away! I’ll tell you what: why don`t we go for a stroll out under the stars. I can show you where the bums go to pick their feet and you can pick some for me. (Scooping her into his arms) Oh, love! The sweet, the heat…
(Nicodemus enters carrying a large bouquet.)
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Crave to betide, sir, floral expedition successful. No casualties, numismatic, botanical or civillian. I suggest you take them yourself, sir.
SENATOR
What? Ahh…er, good work, men! Keep it up! (He snaps a salute)
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Yes, sir. Thankyou, sir!
(Nicodemus trots off.)
SENATOR
Now, how was I? Oh, yes. Your beauty, your charm, the way your HoHos wave “see you later, sucker” every time you walk through the room! You are the very apogee of loveliness, the highest outcome of human development. I should know, I`m a very keen student of evolution. I`ve read everything from Gibbon to Darwin and back to Gibbon again. But, I regress!
ROSALIA
(Collapsing) Oh, what are you talking about! I feel sick!
SENATOR
Quick, let`s get you upstairs. You go first. I want to see what you ate for dinner.
ROSALIA
Oh, not that kind of sick! Can`t you see I`m sick with love? I just want to lock myself away with him and never have to listen to anyone ever again!
(Rosalia starts crying. The Senator remains perplexed for a minute before speaking quietly to her.)
SENATOR
You`re crying.
ROSALIA
(Through her tears, in despair) Yes.
SENATOR
(Aside. Disgusted) What a turn-off! (To Rosalia) See here…This kind of delay can really be damaging at my age. Maybe we should just chat for a while. What was it you wanted to talk to me about, anyway?
ROSALIA
Oh, I don´t know! -The money. I guess.
SENATOR
(Indignant) Ho! back to this again, are we? I offered you coupons and you called it chicken feed! I offer you flowers and you dash them to the floor! Oh, no! Not good enough for you! You want gold, I suppose. -A sapphire inlaid tiara with matching nipple rings!
ROSALIA
Not your money! The money Mr. Khonöl-Berne´s is going to give me tonight.
SENATOR
Tonight?
ROSALIA
(Nodding) And then he’s going to run away. And I’m going to run away, too.
SENATOR
So that’s how he intends to repay my patronage! Imagine! Waving you in front of my face and then whisking you away before I`ve even had a chance to show you my true soul!
ROSALIA
Oh, not with him, you fool -with Schmilk!
SENATOR
Schmilk? That huckleberry-coated half-wit?
ROSALIA
I’m meeting him in the kitchen tonight, to offer up my heart and soul, and then no one will ever come between us again! We’ll be gone.
SENATOR
I see. To the land of Schmilk and money. Well, this puts things in a different perspective altogether. My dear, you have plucked my heartstrings, which is better than my wallet. I have always had a thing for young girls like you. Unfortunately I don`t get to use it very often. Nevertheless, I`m beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel…
(Rosalia pulls her dress down in alarm)
SENATOR
Never mind about that for now. I’m beginning to hear the blaring tubas calling me back to the battlefield…
MATHILDE
(Off) Oh, Senator…
ROSALIA
It`s Madame. I still don`t think she`s going to approve of any of this.
SENATOR
Believe me, she’s the least of your problems. You’ve done me a great service unburdening your secrets as you have. Go and play with your doilies until your hour of happiness strikes, for I shall be with you in mind and body! Rest assured, I will take your case into my own hands!
ROSALIA
(Throwing her arms around him) Oh, thankyou! You`re much more than just a friend!
SENATOR
And I shall prove it tonight!
(Mathilde enters.)
MATHILDE
Oh, Senator. There you are. I was wondering if…Rosalia! What are you doing to that poor man? Stop groping him and go to your room.
ROSALIA
(Leaving) Yes, Madame.
MATHILDE
Really. That girl should read some books on self-esteem. I don`t see how she ever intends to get anywhere in life at the rate she`s going.
SENATOR
Well, you never know. We might all be surprised.
MATHILDE
However. I merely came to inquire after your comfort. I trust everything is to your liking here?
SEANTOR
Yes, yes. Getting there, anyway. Does that answer your question? Good. You can go now, I think I’ve seen enough of you for one night. Too much, in fact. I`m very busy man and I must return to my onanistic duties.
MATHILDE
But, Senator, I was…
SENATOR
And for God’s sake, don’t tell anyone I talked to you!
MATHILDE
Really, Senator, I think you misconstrue things. My husband trusts me implicitly.
SENATOR
I wonder why!
MATHILDE
He has every reason to. I have never conducted myself with the slightest impropriety around any man. As a matter of fact, I simply wished to see whether you would join me in a little aperitif. (She hands him a glass)
SENATOR
You mean a drink? (He holds his glass out to her and makes chimpanzee screeches by way of an affirmative)
MATHILDE
(Reaching behind the bar, her posterior aimed at the Senator) I thought perhaps a little…
SENATOR
DON´T POINT THAT AT ME! That thing probably has a hair trigger!
MATHILDE
(Upright again, with the bottle) It`s very old but I`ve been saving it for just such a special occasion.
SENATOR
(Brightening) No kidding. Well, this is my lucky night! Let`s have a drink on it!
MATHILDE
(Toasting) Here’s to true fulfillment.
SENATOR
(Toasting) A deal’s a deal, though hardly ideal!
MATHILDE
You know my husband thinks very highly of you. He has often, over the years, praised your skill, your quickness.
SENATOR
How would he know?
MATHILDE
(Laughing) Oh, yes. He also warned me that you were partially a rascal.
SENATOR
Well, I guess that`s only fair. I always said he was a part of a horse.
MATHILDE
(Tittering and enjoying herself immensely) Oh, Lord, this is fun. I`m so very glad you’re able to make it tonight.
SENATOR
You’re glad? At my age, Cuddles, you got to take what you can, whenever you can. Still, it`s hardly the sort of thing you should rub in. I imagine its all very easy for you, but then you`ve probably got a whole nother year on that thing. Well, may be only a few months…
(Nicodemus enters carrying another bouquet)
NICODEMUS
Pardon me, sir.
SENATOR
Now what! Can`t you see I`ve got a huge one on the ropes?
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Sorry, sir. Crave to betide, sir, more flowers. Better take them sir.
SENATOR
(Whipping them out of Nicodemus` hands and tossing them onto the bar with the others) Fine! Now go annoy someone else!
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, I’m not annoying you.
SENATOR
(Yelling) I’ll be the judge of that! Get out!
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Yes, sir! Crave to betide, sir, departing as per instructions. But, sir? (Pointing to the flowers) Flowers, sir?
SENATOR
Yes, yes! Just go!
MATHILDE
(Handing over a refill) A little more sherry, Senator?
SENATOR
Yes, of course. I’m sure I`ll need it. Too damn many interruptions around here!
MATHILDE
Oh, yes. Life can be very chaotic when one lives in a cabaret. I find that my surroundings are very important to my peace of mind. Most of the decor was my own doing, including the ceiling moldings, which still retain their original gilt. (Raising her arms and pointing to the ceiling) They are so beautiful, don`t you think?
SENATOR
(Uneasily staring at her underarms) Oh, I’ve seen that before. That’s the pits.
MATHILDE
(Realizing the mix-up) Oh. Oh, I see. (Tittering) Heehee. My word, Senator, you really are quite a rake!
SENATOR
Thankyou. And you are quite a hoe.
MATHILDE
(Entirely missing the last line) Well, I must say again, how pleased I am that you have chosen to honor our anniversary with your presence.
SENATOR
Presents! I can`t afford that kind of nonsense and, as far as I`m concerned, you haven`t earned any yet! I`d better find out who`s responsible for this extravagance. Where’s Schmilk?
MATHILDE
Ah. Your young man. He is very handsome, you know. If I weren’t a married woman…
SENATOR
Right. Meanwhile, I suppose you`re just doing me a favor!
MATHILDE
Oh, no, Senator. I haven`t had this much fun in ages. I swear it is a delight talking with you. You remind me of my youth…
SENATOR
(Leaping up, outraged) What! That loathsome brat?
MATHILDE
Oh, no! I…I meant my younger days, before I met Maximillian; when the skies of my imagination were still brilliantly blue. Before the leaden clouds of domesticity suffocated all passion. When I still had my girlish figure. Yes. I`m afraid I`m just not as attractive as I once was.
SENATOR
Oh, what`s the difference. I enjoy a well-packed muu-muu.
MATHILDE
Oh, dear. I`m getting carried away.
SENATOR
Hah! In your dreams, toots!
MATHILDE
Yes, in my dreams. I shouldn`t have let things go this far, I`m afraid. It is a sad thing, Senator, but I really don`t think we know each other intimately enough for this sort of dalliance.
SENTOR
That`s easily remedied! (He grabs her)
MATHILDE
Goodness! What are you doing!
SENATOR
(Struggling with her) You know what I`m doing! Let’s get it over with, before I`m sick. Don’t be impatient with me. -I`ll talk myself into it! -The moment I saw you, my life passed before my eyes! I promise I was salivating! The moment I saw your mountainous flanks…
MATHILDE
(Struggling mightily. Outraged) My what?!?
SENATOR
Your flanks! More than any man could hope to consume in one sitting! Flanks…in fact, flanks a lot!
MATHILDE
(Hurling him away) You`re quite welcome! I mean…stay away from me! This is a nightmare! An outrage! This is not at all the way men acted when I was raised in France!
SENATOR
(In a fury) France? The French? -Why, those boil suckers! The French? Bah! What do they know? (Imperiously) –I am France!
MATHILDE
Oh, really, Senator! How can you claim to represent that glorious nation?
SENATOR
(Now perfectly calm, as if nothing has occurred) No, that`s my name: Franz. You see, my father ran a famous Viennese ear, nose and throat clinic, even though he was really a proctologist. (Wistfully proud) That`s where us kids got our brown eyes!
MATHILDE
(Exhausted) Oh, this is too awful. I don`t know what to do anymore!
SENATOR
Well, why don`t you show me a couple of your tricks? Nevermind, I`ll show you one of mine. Since you`re so incredibly old, I`ll call this one Beef Chow Yuk. You just hang back here and…
(He flings Mathilde into the trick chair. The chair, with Mathilde in it snaps back and flips her backwards, so that she and it crush the Senator, who had been standing mostly behind her. The audience sees the backs of her legs pointed up and kicking wildly as Mathilde screams “Oh! Oh!, etc.” as the Senator flails helplessly beneath her, barely up on his hands and knees)
SENATOR
Holy Big Joe Turner! Get it off me! Starboard! Starboard!
(The above happens very rapidly. Now Maxi enters, seeing Mathilde on her back, with the backs of her legs up in the air facing the audience as the Senator scrambles out and onto his feet.)
MAXI
Mathilde! My god! What’s happened?
SENATOR
Ah, Maxi! I was just giving your wife a…er…cat scan.
MAXI
What?!?
SENATOR
You`ll be pleased to know her core temperature smells normal.
MAXI
What? How dare you…you…
(Maxi helps Mathilde upright. Mathilde shakes and whimpers.)
SENATOR
Well! I hardly expected such grudging behavior from you! I figured, after all, what’s good for a goose is good for a gander.
MAXI
Senator, this is unspeakable! I demand to know just what exactly has gone on here!
SENATOR
That’s precisely what I`ve been meaning to speak to you about. Maxi, your wife is the biggest tease since that last girl you set me up with. -You realize I will have to ask for my five bucks back.
MATCHILDE
Oh, Maxi, how could you! (She slaps Maxi)
SENATOR
(To Mathilde) That`s rich, coming from you! It would hardly honorable to keep it after you made a gangreneous mockery of my love! Why, if it wasn`t for me you`d still be at that cheap little bar, spoiling your dinner -and everyone else’s too!
MAXI
(Appealing to his wife) Mathilde, please! I had no idea!
MATHILDE
Oh, I think I`d better lie down!
SENATOR
Now we’re talking! That’s what I`ve been trying to tell you all along, you eggplant!
MATHILDE
(Running upstairs) Oh!
MAXI
This is terrible! Senator, you`ve gone too far!
SENATOR
You popsicle, how could I with you barging in like that!
MAXI
I was referring to the way you insulted my wife. And on her anniversary, too!
SENATOR
Very well, next time I’ll wear a foil hat. And speaking of foil, what was it you wanted anyway?
MAXI
(Exasperated, attempting calm) A little advice, Senator, that’s all I expected!
SENATOR
(Expansively) Ask away, by all means, ask away!
MAXI
(Relieved) Thankyou! What I mean to say is…
SENATOR
(Yelling) Not here! I said away! Go stand over there and snivel!
(Maxi retreats in confusion.)
SENATOR
(Like the soul of generosity) Now, then! How can I help, old friend?
MAXI
(Determined to re-establish parity) Senator, I know you are my guest here tonight, but this sort of imperious behavior is really beginning to wear on me…
SENATOR
Oh, really? —Well, see here, Cornhole-Burns…
MAXI
Bernés! Khonöl-Bernés!
SENATOR
Don’t get saucy with me young man! And to think that I was going to break my neck to help you out! Hah! That`s how you talk to your friends? I was going to give you the shirt off my back and tell you nicely how to clean it. But all you can think of is yourself. Very well, then: go ahead, press your suit, I`ll stand here in dirty clothes!
MAXI
It’s my finances…here, the cabaret…the authorities…
SENATOR
(Panicked) Where?
MAXI
No. In the capital. They’re threatening to close me down because of some mixup over the quarterly taxes.
SENATOR
(Flipping Maxi a coin) Here! Send them a quarter and tell them it`s all they deserve. I’ll send you a bill later. Now what was it I was going to ask you? Ah, yes! It suddenly struck me…I was just wondering…well, if it’s not too personal…have you ever been spanked with a red-hot skillet?
MAXI
(Who has gone from disappointment at the Senator`s tax solution to encouraging his confidentiality to shock) Senator, please! I must resolve these issues immediately. I’ve nowhere left to turn, you’re my final hope. Look (Pulling a sheaf of paper out of his pocket), these divorce papers: At least you could sign them for me. -As a sort of anniversary gift!
SENATOR
(Looking at the papers and pocketing them) They’re blank. No names. Now why didn`t I think of that! Right! As of tomorrow every citizen will be issued a set of blank divorce papers at birth! (Grabbing Maxi`s head and slobbering on it) Maxi, you`re a genius! Kind of a stupid one, but still…!
(Nicodemus trots in carrying another bouquet just as the Senator is pouring effusion on Maxi.)
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Crave to betide, sir, mission complete.
MAXI
(Freeing himself from the Senator with alacrity) Nicodemus! Haha, we were just reliving our old army days! Hahmm! (To the Senator) Sentor, this is terrible! You have embarassed me before my entire family. (To himself) Oh, God, what a nightmare! What next?
(With a huge blast and a blinding flash of light, the kitchen explodes.)
SENATOR
Hey! My sauerkraut!
MAXI
Oh, no! Lord preserve us all! -Well, most of us! Pepperoni! Pepperoni, come quickly!
(Maxi runs upstairs to find Pepperoni. The Senator and Nicodemus stare at each other in silence for a moment, Nicodemus still holding the bouquet.)
NICODEMUS
Sir. May I sit, sir?
SENATOR
Probably. (Nicodemus sits in the good side seat, the Senator plops into the other, which stays upright for him.) Those are flowers, aren’t they?
NICODEMUS
Yes, sir, they are. I`ve been desirous of speaking to you about that, sir.
SENATOR
Yes, yes. You acquit yourself very professionally and very often. I`ll see to it that you get some kind of medal.
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, I am merely honored to do so. (Piously) A Veal Scout must never turn around to survey the past, but must remain facing forward at all times.
SENTOR
(Uneasily attempting conversation) Well, that`s fine. I`ll bet it`s something for a kid like you growing up in a nightclub. Dancing girls all over your, eh? I mean, you must be getting quite a bit on the side, huh?
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, I always thought it was more or less in the middle. But that is not my interest anyway, sir.
SENATOR
Go ahead, thrill me. -What are your interests, Scallopine?
NICODEMUS
Well, sir, that`s what I wished to see you about. You see, sir, we are constantly being conditioned to pursue idealized and not necessarily progressive aspects of existence which in the long run tend to undermine the true soul of Modern Man. And this disturbs me, sir. We are inculcated with artificial desires that, according to social requirements, add up to the Big Picture; things like the Big Career, the Big Romance, the Big Domicile, and family and marriage. But I think that it`s the little things that make a complete life. The chance conversation with a stranger, the color of the sky on a particular Wednesday, a lovely perfume only once inhaled: these are the things that will make up the sum of a man’s life as he breathes his last breath. The little things, sir, the little things.
SENATOR
I see. -The point being what?
NICODEMUS
(Saluting and presenting the bouquet) Crave to betide, I love you, sir.
SENATOR
(Deadpan. To audience) Wait a minute; this isn`t my usual Rasin Bran. (To Nicodemus) Well, this is a little out of my line here. I mean to say, well, I`ve heard of this sort of thing before…
NICODEMUS
Yes, sir, you must have. Sometimes the screams are very loud.
SENATOR
Look, maybe we can crack this thing open another way. (Bellowing) SCHMILK!
(Schmilk runs in.)
SCHMILK
Yes, sir!
SENATOR
Schmilk, are you prepared to execute your duty however it may come to you? Whatever the form, size or sanitary condition?
SCHMILK
Yes, sir! Anything you say, sir!
SENATOR
Good, because I need a little help here!
(Maxi runs down followed by Pepperoni, Mathilde, Salome and Rosalia. All except Mathilde crowd around the kitchen door, looking inside. Mathilde seems defeated and clutches Schmilk.)
PEPPERONI
Wow! Having a blast tonight, eh, Boss?
MAXI
Shut up, you fool! What are we going to do now?
SALOME
(Pointing) Is that Antoine?
ROSALIA
Where?
SALOME
There. That piece over there.
(Everybody goes into the kitchen except Schmilk and Mathilde.)
MATHILDE
(To Schmilk) This is all too much! You must be a very brave young man to live with such danger all the time. (Looking into his eyes) I…I feel so safe next to you. You’re so handsome, too! Tell me, do you think it`s possible…I mean a young man like you and a woman of my age…?
SCHMILK
I hope not. I mean, I don`t think so.
MATHILDE
Meet me later! I don`t know what`s come over me, but I must talk to you.
SCHMILK
Now what have I done?
MATHILDE
Nothing…later…
(The others stagger back in from the kitchen.)
MAXI
I notice you remain calm, Senator. Have you nothing to say about this?
SENATOR
Eh? Oh, yes. Sorry. Not interested. I was explaining the facts of life to the boy, here.
MAXI
(Collapsing, his head in his hands) Oh no!
SENATOR
It’s really quite simple, see? It goes something like this:
(The Senator sings the following song, backed by Pepperoni and Schmilk.)
What, men, might I ask, is man?
And many mighty manly men
Have asked their old man much the same
(The women mainly said “Amen!”)
But, man to man, I tell you men
(Now, take this perpendicular)
The answer comes we’re merely bums
To women in particular
A man to woman is but a man
He needn`t need a name
They sometimes long for us in song
And sing “Oh, thick and mealy swain!”
Now, when they’re young and full of fun
They like to wine and dine us
But when I’m old and have grown cold
They’ll make fun of my sinus
Then man at heart is but a rock
Within the world a churl
And life for man a homely crock
Without some cash or girl
But fame and fortune bring such things
And most things I want I see
So send me aloft and whisper soft
Those three little words to me:
Women and money and money and women and women and money and money and
women and money and money and women and women and women and money and
money and women and money and money and women and women and women and
money for me!
They call me Big Sir!
One look at me above the knee
And women squeal in delight
In secret rooms the women cry
Here comes Big Sir in the night!
I`m known as Big Sir!
They’re so demure, you’ll sure concur
To her no surname as it were, just “Sir”
A surly cur with curly fur
All up and down my femurs!
Just like a train a-rollin’
Let’s hear that whistle blowin’
Now see them women moanin’
Big Sir has come to town
You know they’re walkin’ funny
And talkin ‘how much money
And all their stockins runny
When Big Sir comes to town
They cry Oh man you slay me
Big Sir I don`t mean maybe
You know I swell up, baby
Like a corn dog nice and brown
PEPPERONI and SCHMILK
A corn dog, a corn dog, he swells up like a corn dog!
MAXI
Oh, my head! My God, the dinner! Pepperoni, we’ve got to do something for the banquet! Run outside, down to the Masons’ Inn, and see if you can shanghai the cook! You know the place: the Twig and Pustule.
PEPPERONI
0k, Boss. I’d better take Salome, though. In case they want collateral.
MAXI
(Shoving Pepperoni and Salome out) Anything! Just go!
MATHILDE
Don’t worry about the dinner, dear. I can always skip a meal.
SENATOR
How about forty?
PERPPERONI
(Off) Hey, Boss! Look at this!
(Pepperoni and Salome enter pushing a small hot-dog cart before them. It is garishly painted with the words: Colonel Harlech’s Haggis dogs.)
PEPPERONI
Some luck, hey? We just grabbed the first thing we could. Sal took care of the negotiations!
MAXI
No! What did you do? Oh, never mind, I don`t want to know!
ROSALIA
(As Salome opens the lid of the cart and looks inside) Eyeww! What`s that smell?!
MAXI
(Slamming the lid shut) Haggis dogs! Well, I won`t be defeated! Tonight is mine and nothing will ruin it! (Making an announcement to the rest) My dear family, my dear colleagues! And the Senator. This has been a very trying experience for us all, but there is no reason to succumb to the locusts of despair. We shall dine tonight as scheduled, Haggis Dogs or not! I propose we all freshen up before diving in to the festivities, for I, myself, feel the direst need to be clean tonight!
ALL
(Looking at each other and specifically trying to catch the eyes of their objects of amour) Yes, let’s go change, etc.
MAXI
(Hustling everybody upstairs) Good! Then let us scrub!
(Everyone goes upstairs. The stage remains empty for a brief moment. Then Maxi sneaks downstairs furtively.)
MATHILDE
(Off) Oh, Maxi…
(Footsteps are heard coming down the stairs. Maxi, alarmed, looks around for a hiding place. He sees the hot-dog cart and leaps in. Salome comes downstairs and quickly hides herself in the dressing room. Pepperoni enters nonchalantly. Salome opens the door of the dressing room a crack and coos his name. Pepperoni, alarmed, opens the lid of the hot-dog cart and climbs in to hide, closing the lid after him. Mathilde comes downstairs calling for Maxi and, discovering his absence, hides herself in the utility closet. The Senator quickly comes down whistling and sequesters himself in the kitchen. Schmilk runs down and into the kitchen.)
SENATOR and SCHMILK
(In unison) Yeeeoowch!
(Schmilk rapidly darts out of the kitchen. Mathilde opens her door a crack and calls his name. Simultaneously, Salome opens the door of the dressing room a crack and wags her finger. Schmilk runs into the dressing room, where Salome is waiting for Pepperoni. Rosalia scurries downstairs and runs directly into the kitchen. Nicodemus strolls down eating an apple. As he passes the utility closet, Mathilde’s arm reaches out and whisks him inside. For several seconds all the doors as well as the hot-dog cart shake and rattle. Jungle sounds accompany this (monkeys screeching, birds screaming, elephants trumpeting, etc.). Then: Schmilk, his clothes in tatters, blasts out of the dressing room just as Rosalia runs out of the kitchen. They collide.)
ROSALIA
(Slapping Schmilk and kicking him) Oh, you pig! You disgusting pig!
SCHMILK
(Falling to his knees to appeal to her) Rosie!
(Rosalia spits in his mouth several times, kicks him again und runs upstairs crying. Schmilk runs after her. Mathilde exits the utility closet looking very warm but pleased. She hums to herself and goes upstairs. Pepperoni scrambles madly out of the hot-dog cart, very disheveled, at the same time that Salome exits the dressing room. She turns and sees him and scoops him in her arms.)
SALOME
(All over Pepperoni) Oh, you wonderful man! Baby, Daddy, you’re an animal!
(Salome drags the confused Pepperoni upstairs. The Senator emerges from the kitchen singing to himself and executing little dance steps. He goes over to the hot-dog cart. Just then, Nicodemus staggers out of the utility closet, sporting a scraggly sort of moustache and goatee the same color as Mathilde`s hair. He is gasping for air and collapses beside the Senator. The Senator takes from the side of the cart a pair of welding gloves, a long pair of tongs and a welding mask. Still singing, he dons the gloves and mask, opens the lid of the cart and reaches in with the tongs. A sort of stretching noise is heard, followed by a snap, then a scream from Maxi.)
SENATOR
(Flipping up the welding mask and peering into the cart) Why, Maxi! This is a rare treat!
CURTAIN
ACT II
(Same setting as Act I. The Senator and Nicodemus are sitting at the bar.)
SENATOR
Well, I suppose you feel better now that all your foolish notions have been put to the test.
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, Sir, it wasn`t all what I expected. I feel much more capable of mature decisions, though, since my first shave. I hope you aren`t thinking of leaving me.
SENATOR
What? Now look here. I’m sure you mean well, but you can’t just go around toying with a man’s heart like this. How can you be sure it`s me you want? How can I be sure this isn’t just my dinner coming back to haunt me?
NIDODEMUS
Oh, this is very serious, sir. I had a strict timetable to adhere to. If hadn’t established myself as a romantically fulfilled member of the scouts by midnight I would most certainly have been demoted to Slink Veal.
SENATOR
Now, I’m sure it’s my dinner! Your problem is that you never went to Air War College. Now how about if I could arrange a scholarship and then you come look me up in thirty or forty years? Damnit, soldier, I’m a man! I have real testosterone careening around my carcass! You can’t expect me to sacrifice the rest of my life to a flimsy specimen like you! Look at those legs! What if I suddenly became attracted to someone else?
NICODEMUS
Like who, sir?
SENATOR
I said attracted, not attractive. Can’t you understand? You’d wind up being an albatross around my, er, whatever. No, no, you can’t expect me to fall for your tiny siren song! You probably try this line on all the senators!
NICODEMUS
Oh, no, sir! It was you I wanted all along! I couldn’t help myself from the moment I first stepped into your presence. It rends me in several different directions just to see you astride your stool; the way the hair in your ears seems to say “Junior should be enjoying himself more” every time you march through the room!
SENATOR
(Coquettishly) That`s not my real hair. Those are earwigs. I tell you I don’t deserve this. It’s too cruel!
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, that was not my intention. (Piously) A Veal Scout must at all times endeavor to achieve real tenderness.
(Pepperoni enters, followed briskly by Salome.)
PEPPERONI
(Fleeing Salome) No! Go away! I don’t deserve this, it’s too cruel
SENATOR
Here’s where I get off! –Well, leave, anyway. I’ll be right back. Don’t let anyone take my place.
NICODEMUS
(Passionately) Oh, sir! How could they!
(Salome and Pepperoni stop and do a quizzical double-take at the Senator and Nicodemus. The Senator slaps his head in exasperation, then tries to cover up the issue.)
SENATOR
Damn! These mosquitos! I’ll have to get more repellent.
SALOME
(Snapping at the Senator) Hah! As if that were possible!
SENATOR
(To Nicodemus) Better come with me, Tinkelbull, before they start playing with the heirloom cutlery. Now let me tell you about the dangers of putting women on a pedophile…
(The Senator and Nicodemus exit.)
SALOME
(Resuming her pursuit of Pepperoni) Come on, Pep! You were crazy for me a minute ago! You know you liked it!
PEPPERONI
No I didn’t! Face it, Sal, you’re the kind of woman men have nightmares about!
SALOME
Pep, please! You’ll have to marry me now: I feel like I’m going to have a baby!
PEPPERONI
(Grimacing) So do I.
SALOME
(Leaping on him) Oh, Pep! I knew you’d come around! We’ll have the wildest honeymoon in history! Daddy, what I’m going to do to you!
PEPPERONI
(Horrified.) No!
SALOME
(Ecstatic) Yes! (Seductively) Better limber up, haby, this’ll be the ride of your life!
PEPERONI
(Breaking free and dashing out) Gotta go! -Just remembered I left a cockroach in the oven!
(Rosalia enters as Pepperoni exits.)
SALOME
What a man!
ROSALIA
Oh, that pig!
SALOME
Rosie! What`s wrong?
ROSALIA
(Stamping her foot) Pig, pig, pig! I have never been so humiliated in my life!
SALOME
Why, you’re in love! Rosie, that’s amazing!
ROSALIA
I´ll kill him!
SALOME
Oh, I’m so happy for you! Who is it? Who finally won our little rosebud?
ROSALIA
That pig! -I mean Schmilk! Oh, Sal! Are all men like that?
SALOME
No. Some have higher voices. That’s the problem with San Cuspidor, not much choice. The tourist bureau ought to put up billboards: “Two Boils for Every Girl!”
ROSALIA
Oh, what’s the use, then! I’ll run away by myself! And if he tries to follow me I’ll cut off his ears and stick them up his nose! Hah! We’ll see how convincing his sweet-talk is then!
(Rosalia mimics someone trying to spout loving words with their ears inserted in their nostrils.)
SALOME
Poor Rosie. You can’t change them that easily, you know.
ROSALIA
Help me, Sal! Oh, how do you ever put up with them?
SALOME
In the luxury of a queen-sized bed, Honey, I am not usually prone to fight.
ROSALIA
(Collapsing) What am I supposed to do now? I still love him but his behavior makes me sick!
SALOME
But that`s normal! Come on, tell me all about it. How do you know it’s for real?
ROSALIA
When I see him my heart just stops and everything inside me turns to icewater for a minute. I feel like some kind of completely unknown flower, floating underwater in the most beautiful ocean imaginable. Then I can feel my blood start to crash back and forth and I get so hot I think I’m going to poach!
SALOME
Oooh! Sounds messy!
ROSALIA
It is! But do you think he notices?! Oh, Sal, is heaven really such hell?
SALOME
He’ll come around, sweetheart. Look at me: twenty minutes ago I was just another tart in this pastry parlor, now I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with the one man who ever really satisfied me. Keep close to me and imagine the best thing that could happen to you.
(Salome and Rosalia sing the follwing song.)
SALOME and ROSALIA
With stars in your eyes
The sound of your voice buried in my hair
Put one soft finger to my lips
Sweet lover lying next to me
Say I will never fear again
Afraid not of love
Gentle breath of lemon blossoms
Let the soft waves of your laughter
Sweet lover, wash my sleepy soul
Say I will never cry again
Birds of heaven fly
The sun like diamonds on the sea
Reflecting all my happiness
Sweet lover smiling next to me
Say I will never sigh again
Happy all my life
A candied “Always” on my tongue
A moonlit garden in my heart
Sweet lover sleeping next to me
Say I will never dream alone
SALOME
You’d better go find him, before he finds someone else.
ROSALIA
I left him down the street. There was some sort of parade or something, so he’s probably lost by now. Oh, what have I done? He’s so innocent, he couldn`t have known what he was doing!
SALOME
(Escorting Rosalia outside) They never grow out of that one.
(Rosalia and Salome exit. Schmilk scampers downstairs folowed by Mathilde.)
MATHILDE
Schmilkie, wait! Oh, you wonderful boy, I’ll never be able to keep up with you!
SCHMILK
(Running behind the bar, shaking violently) No more, please! I’m too young to die and I don’t believe in the afterbirth!
MATHILDE
(Chasing him around the bar) You timid thing! You need a little maternal touch is all! How can you still have so much energy?
SCHMILK
(Still fleeing) Adrenalin, maam! It’s fight or flight!
MATHILDE
This is wonderful! Oh, will you still want me as much in ten years?
SCHMILK
Yes! I mean no! Never!
(Schmilk runs into the kitchen with Mathilde in hot pursuit. The Senator comes downstairs followed by Maxi.)
SENATOR
Damnit, Maxi, what’s the idea of bursting into my room like that! You made me lose count!
MAXI
Senator, please! You must intercede for me, I’m at the end of my rope! I could lose everything in one blow…
SENATOR
Maxi, my boy, man is born to take risks. How else would the world reward the innovators and grind down the dullards? Too many of those as is; one bored every minute. Look, why don’t we raise the stakes and see if we can make this interesting enough for me.
MAXI
Fine! I`ll do anything you want!
SENATOR
(Thinking until he comes up with an idea) Hmmm. O.k., here’s the deal: I’ll bet you you can`t climb the spire of San Cuspidor’s with a sexually aroused monkey strapped to your face.
MAXI
What!
SENATOR
The winner gets a hamentaschen.
MAXI
For God’s sake, Anthrax, can’t you be decent for once in your life? (Frantically trying to think of a solution) I know! Tennis! I’ll play you three sets. I win and you help me to settle this mess.
SENATOR
Tennis! Are you kidding? I’m with the Government; my racket is too big for any court!
MAXI
Oh, this is madness! Sheer madness! I should have never left Alsace! I should have never married that cash cow! I’ll never get rid of her!
(Maxi turns to get himself a drink. Behind his back Schmilk runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs, pursued by Mathilde.)
SENATOR
(Who has witnessed the above) Fear not, Maxi, you’re not alone in this, you know!
(Outside the window the sky has been growing red. The sound of many people can be heard.)
MAXI
Ah! But I am. Alone with this insane love eating away at my old heart, this absurd lust clawing at me day and night! Who but myself could understand!
SENATOR
Bah! Second-hand goods, this “love!” It’s all been done before. I distinctly recall hearing about it in that late great Polynesian ditty Himalaya Mama.
(The Senator hovers dangerously over the trick chair from Act I. Maxi, himself about to sit in the second chair, watches the Senator closely.)
SENATOR
And even there things haven’t changed. -The Himalayas, I mean. Men, women, the same old drudgery. I spent the worst year of my life hiding out there. During the summer months the big thing is Yak on the spit. The rest of the year we just spit on the Yak.
(The Senator sits in the trick chair, which remains upright, much to Maxi’s astonishment.)
SENATOR
Mating season comes and the hills reverberate with the call of the wild. Peak and vale echoing the cry of “Yak, yak, yak.”
(By now the sky has grown redder and the crowd noises closer. A gun shot is heard, followed by an explosion.)
MAXI
What was that?
SENATOR
I think my jokes are backfiring.
MAXI
More trouble. I should have expected it! Will I never get any peace?
(On the word “peace,” Maxi collapses into the second chair, which flips him over and out.)
MAXI
Hack! Pepperoni!
(Salome and Rosalia run in.)
SALOME
Are they here?
SENATOR
Who?
ROSALIA
Schmilk! Pepperoni!
SALOME
There’s a mob in the streets! They’re lighting fires and waving guns around!
ROSALIA
The boys were out there! Oh I’ll forgive him anything if he could just come back safe!
PEPPERONI
(Running in) Boss! We’ve got problems! Some kind of riot kicking in! They’ve burned the bank already!
MAXI
Go upstairs! Leave me alone! I can’t bear to look at you fools any longer!
ROSALIA
What? I’m not going anywhere until I get that money you promised me!
MAXI
OUT!
(Pepperoni and Salome charge upstairs. Rosalia runs out to find Schmilk.)
MAXI
Well, Senator, what do you propose to do about this?
SENATOR
(At the phone) Hah! Watch and learn! Hello, Justice Department? This is Anthrax! …Hello? Hello? (To Maxi) No problem, we`ll have this straightened out in no time. (Bellowing) Schmilk!
SCHMILK
(Running downstairs) Yessir!
SENATOR
Schmilk, have you noticed anything peculiar going on around here?
SCHMILK
(Squirming) Well…
SENATOR
(Turning towards the window) Right. Well it’s high time we put a stop to all this lunacy, and I’ve a pretty good idea where to start!
SCHMILK
(Nervously standing at attention, facing Maxi) Yessir!
SENATOR
Maxi, old choak, I’m sorry to have to drag you through this, but your behavior since my arrival here has been somewhat erratic, to say the least…
MAXI
My behavior!
SENATOR
There’s no percentage in apologizing now. What has to be done must be done. The intrigues…the persecution fantasies… it all adds up (Rocking on his heels, still looking out the window) Maxi, I’m afraid I’m going to have to demand a urine sample!
(As the Senator speaks the last line, Rosalia appears in the doorway, unseen by all but Schmilk. Simultaneously, Mathilde appears on the stairway, with a view of Schmilk’s back and Maxi’s front. On the words “urine sample,” Schmilk, deaf to the Senator and desperate to reconcile with Rosalia, drops (still directly in front of Maxi) to one knee, arms outstretched and mouth wide open in the Jolson pose. Because of where they are standing, to the women it appears they have walked in on Schmilk fellating Maxi. Schmilk himself realises this at the last second.)
ROSALIA
(In horror) Oh!
MATHILDE
(In horror) Oh!
MAXI
What!
(Rosalia and Mathilde flee as Schmilk recoils in panicked disgust.)
SENATOR
Come, come, Burnoose! The city is in flames, we don’t have all night!
MAXI
No! This is the end! You can’t just demand that sort of thing from me!
SENATOR
(Turning back to Maxi and Schmilk) Hmm, I see. Well, perhaps I was a little hasty. Schmilk, get Maxi a glass of water.
(A burst of gunfire shatters the windows. Maxi and Schmilk duck and cower.)
SENATOR
So! A direct question to my authority, eh! Schmilk, gut up, we’re going to bury them under heavy ordnance!
SCHMILK
Yessir! County or municipal?
ROSALIA
(Running back in) They’re burning the entire city!
SCHMILK
Rosie!
ROSALIA
(Throwing herself into Schmilk’s arms) Schmilk! I didn’t know! Forgive me, I’ll try to accept you! We may never have another chance!
(Pepperoni, Mathilde, Salome and Nicodemus run downstairs.)
PEPPERONI
Bad news, Boss! It’s all headed this way!
SALOME
He’s right, you can see it all from upstairs!
MATHILDE
(To Maxi) And what do you think of when all our lives are endangered!
MAXI
Nothing! It was the Senator`s idea! Mathilde, I refuse to argue at a time like this!
MATHILDE
Well…
SENATOR
Maxi’s right; Why should his perversions always take center stage?
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, Contingency plans might be in order about now.
SENATOR
For this little beano? Rest assured, it will all be contained within the hour.
(Another explosion, followed by gunfire and yelling.)
MAXI
(To Mathilde) My dear, I`m so very sorry things have come about this way. Perhaps we should have gone back to Paris this year after all.
MATHILDE
Well it’s too late now. We might never go anywhere again!
MAXI
However! This night was to be a crowning moment in my life. (Boldly) I suggest we all just make the best of it and stick firm to our plans! For what is man without plans and order? A toast, then, to domestic tranquility and marital bliss! Senator, would you mind joining us for a drink?
SENATOR
But of course. (Accepting a glass) My kidneys would flush with pride!
(Rosalia and Salome gently push a squirming Nicodemus to the fore.)
SALOME
I’m very happy for everyone here, but I don’t think you should forget the one true achievement of Khonöl-Berne´s marriage…
ROSALIA
Little Nicodemus has something very special for Monsieur and Madame.
MATHILDE
How sweet! (Pampering the still nervous Nicodemus) A few pure words from the only uncorrupted man around. (To Maxi) Dear, this is all so touching, I’m afraid I won’t last the night. Would you be so kind as to find me a touch of chloral hydrate?
MAXI
(Looking behind the bar) But of course!
SALOME
(Pulling Nicodemus center stage) Go on. It’s a wonderful idea.
SENATOR
Say, I haven’t had this much fun since my last circumcision!
MATHILDE
Senator, please! Now then, sweetheart, what is this all about?
NICODEMUS
(Bucking up) Crave to betide, I have taken the liberty of writing a song to commemorate this very significant connubial fest. In honor of your anniversary.
(Everyone wriggles and titters with delight.)
MATHILDE
(Wiping a tear away) Oh, dear, this is melting my heart. Please let us hear it.
(Nicodemus sings the following song, primarily to Mathilde.)
NICODEMUS
Alone, all alone
With but a knothole on my stomach
To remind me of the days of fetal bliss
O, the bliss that I began to miss
When at lambing time you hurled
Me out of the oven and into the world.
Alone, all alone
Reminded every other morrow
That partum is such sweet sorrow but still so
Much better than living in a jar-o
Cause your innards came unfurled
Squirting me out of the oven and into the world.
In your belly I was so contented
(Like a rainbow in a fresh raindrop)
Until the day that I was excremented
And I met again the clown I call my Pop.
Alone, all alone
All by myself in such a lonely world
Facing nameless faceless dangers daily
Feeling through the darkness gaily
Since the genes you knitted and purled
Shot out of the oven and into the world.
Like a prince I ate your mince-meat pablum
(Natty little naked guy I was)
Until the nine month lease was up on my sweet sanctum
And you had some croaker yank me through the fuzz.
Alone, all alone
With but a knothole on my stomach
To remind me of the days of former bliss
O, the bliss that I began to miss
When at lambing time your hurled
Me out of the oven and into the world.
(Throughout the song, since the middle of the first verse, the entire assembly has stood open-mouthed and paralyzed with horror. At the conclusion of the song they are still frozen except for Maxi, who pulls a shotgun out from behind the bar.)
MAXI
(Through his teeth) Right!
(Maxi chases Nicodemus off stage with the shotgun. Two shots are heard off.)
ROSALIA
Oh, that poor child!
(Maxi returns empty-handed)
MATHILDE
My poor boy! Did you bring the chloral hydrate?
MAXI
What? Oh, yes. -Pepperoni, go see if you can find Nicodemus. I think I missed the little toad!
PEPPERONI
(Exiting) OK, Boss!
SENATOR
I knew that kid had talent. Now if we could just figure out for what. Well, I don’t know about the rest of you slobberpusses, but I have a sudden urge to eat! What say we deal out some doggies and get on with the festivities?
MATHILDE
(Aswoon) Oh, no. I couldn’t dream of eating now!
SENATOR
Well, you don’t need it, but the rest of us are human! Schmilk, let‘s see some comestibles comin round that mountain! (Indicating Mathilde)
SCHMILK
Yessir, Senator.
(Schmilk and Salome serve Haggis-Dogs around to all. Rosalia comforts Mathilde. More yelling and gunfire off. Maxi tries to get the Senator off to the side.)
MAXI
Senator, I thought you said that disturbance would be taken care of by now. I’m sure it`s putting all of us on edge.
SENATOR
I put through a call to the Justice Department but they cut me off. What more can you expect? The army is mowing them down now! Ah! The weenies are here for your roast! (To all, everyone now standing around disconsolately holding a haggis dog) My friends! Let the gums begin!
(Everybody proceeds to take a bite of their hot dog simultaneously. A loud “Boing” is heard as their jaws all bounce open.)
SENATOR
Well, it’s great exercise, if nothing else!
PEPERONI
(Running in) Hey, Boss! I forgot to tell you: the safe has been cracked open! Everything’s gone!
MAXI
No! All the cash! My papers! I`m doomed!
MATHILDE
Senator, you must do something!
SENATOR
Ok! Nobody panic! I’ll return the papers, but I’ll have to keep the cash as evidence.
MAXI
What!
SENATOR
(Pulling out a bag and getting ready to throw it) Schmilk! Out for a long pass, quick!
(The Senator hurls the bag out the window.)
SCHMILK
(Tossing his dog to Rosalia and charging out the window) Oh, boy!
ROSALIA
Schmilkie! Oh, no, they’ll tear him apart!
MATHILDE
Those people are animals!
MAXI
Senator! How could you have done such a thing!
SENATOR
Maxi, old can, we live in a modern kleptocracy. Anybody, given the opportunities afforded by this wonderful structure, has the exact same chance of bettering his station that I do. Except you, of course. Something tells me you’re pretty much out of the running by now. Oh, well, you can always start over. Something modest to begin with. -A hot dog stand, for instance!
MATHILDE
Why, that’s abominable! I could never be seen with a hot dog cart!
SENATOR
I think it’s more a matter of whether the cart could be seen with you. Now if you were to stand a little behind it people could at least get a general idea of what`s going on.
SCHMILK
(Climbing in the window, somewhat worse for the wear, with the satchel under his arm) Here it is, Boss! Quite a toss!
SENATOR
That`s fine! Just be careful not to stub your toe on your forehead next time! Schmilk, you taper-top, you have cost me Maxi’s entire fortune! I ‘m turning you loose. (Haughtily pointing towards the window) The door is that way!
(By now the gunfire and yelling is very loud. Through the window all is fire red. Nicodemus enters carrying the shotgun.)
NICODEMUS
Hey, Pop!
MATHILDE
Nicodemus!
MAXI
What are you doing? I beg your forgiveness! Throw that thing away, please!
NICODEMUS
Better not, Pop. The whole island seems to be in flames. (To the Senator) Crave to betide, sir, rapine and looting have been mounting for the past half hour. I suggest an organized retreat.
SCHMILK
It won’t work, Senator. We’re completely under siege. I almost didn`t make it back.
SENATOR
What a shame.
ROSALIA
What have we done?
MAXI
Damn those fools! What do they want, anyway?
SENATOR
(Out the window) Hey! Keep it down out there! What’s the meaning of all that racket?
(A helicopter passes noisily overhead. A burst of gunfire and yelling, then silence.)
SENATOR
(Out the window) That’s more like it.
(A car horn.)
SENATOR
(Out the window) Honky!
(A burst of gunfire. The Senator ducks. More riot sounds.)
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, I think I understand the situation. It was bound to happen, whether we expected it or not. With all due respect, sir, the Government has been as remiss as the leading social families in this instance. Any child could tell that an eruption of this sort was inevitable when a system such as ours fosters an enormous and extremely well-armed underclass. Especially such an irate one.
SENATOR
Hah! Nice theory, Junior, but how do you know they’re irate?
(A large bomb blast.)
NICODEMUS
Crave to betide, sir, one of Reich`s more concrete formulations was that the private misery of the individual is the State’s greatest secret.
(Nicodemus salutes and trots upstairs.)
MAXI
Pepperoni, what on earth is going on out there?
PEPPERONI
I think the problem’s right here, Boss. Everybody seemed to be talking about the Senator.
SALOME
(To Senator) We should have known you were involved! (Threateningly) What have you done now, you old lizard?
SENATOR
Must have been that little mix-up with the Food and Drug Administration. I thought you cleared that up, Schmilk!
SCHMILK
(Proudly) I forgot.
MAXI
And just what was this whatever it was you perpetrated?
SENATOR
Oh, just a little favor I did for the North Americans. I, er, well, I endorsed and cleared the FDA approval for one of their new products. We’re still running some marketing tests on it, and I’m happy to say that so far only twelve thousand kids have died as a result.
MAXI
Twelve thousand children! My God, what have you unleashed?
SENATOR
Ah…A new breakfast cereal. You might have heard of it: Flim Flams, “The Cereal That Flims in Your Mouth and Flams Down your throat.”
SALOME
Twelve thousand children dead!
ROSALIA
Oh, to think of all those poor little angels struggling with their Flim Flams!
SENATOR
Yes, well, plenty more where they came from. Besides, I don`t think it’s the kids that got everybody worked up. See, I accidentally slipped a bowlful to the President this morning.
MAXI
The President!
SENATOR
Yes, Heehee! It was one of those things you had to see! He was quite animated for a minute, then he croaked. Well, first he croaked, then he died.
MATHILDE
We’re finished!
MAXI
You assassinated the President and came here?
SENATOR
I had no choice; he called me in for an unexpected look at the treasury books. Well, I could show him the books, but I couldn`t show him any treasury.
PEPPERONI
Ah, Bahia! Land of happy hearts and jailbirds.
MAXI
Shut up, you fool!
SALOME
Hey! You can’t talk to my husband that way!
MATHILDE
Husband? And all this time I thought you were…
PEPPERONI
No! Never!
MAXI
Senator, this is criminal! You mean the entire treasury is gone?
SENATOR
Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve got it all under control, in the bag, so to speak. Right, Schmilk?
SCHMILK
(Grinning and holding up the Senator’s bag) Completely safe!
(Burst of gunfire. Everybody screams, ducks, etc.)
MAXI
Safe! You call this safe? Because of your idiotic peculations we’re all destined to die in this wretched nightclub!
SENATOR
You think this is bad! -You should have seen the audition I gave Strassberg at the Actors Studio. (Remorsefully) I actually recited The Star Spangled Banner. Talk about dying!
MATHILDE
Oh, what a terrible fate!
PEPPERONI
Hah! Death! -I’m saved!
SALOME
Don’t count on it, lover! There must be some way to fight them off!
ROSALIA
(Clutching Schmilk) At least for another hour!
SENATOR
Hmmm. Maybe we can. What we need is a strategy; knowledge of the enemy formation…Schmilk! -Your analysis?
SCHMILK
(Starting to undo his pants) Ahh. Do I have to?
SENATOR
Never mind that! (Peeking out the window) I’m afraid we’ll never be able to deal with them. The population is far too dense!
MATHILDE
Oh, please, Senator! You can’t sacrifice us like this!
SENATOR
You’re right. This is no way to go! Ok, you harpies, a thousand coupons for the one who strips naked first!
MAXI
Senator! In heaven’s name, maintain yourself! -Honestly, there are women present!
SENATOR
That’s whom I was addressing! Or undressing!
MATHILDE
This is horrible!
SENATOR
Ah, yes, women. Well, we love them still. -Especially still!
MAXI
This is enough! I’m going to put through a call to my father-in-law in Paris!
MATHILDE
Really, dear, I don’t see how you can blame this on me!
MAXI
(At the telephone) No, no! I mean to get him to issue a direct warning to the Government of San Cuspidor and put a stop to this assault immediately! Hello! Hello! Get me Paris right away! This is Maximillian Khonöl Bernés calling for Marshal Cretin. What? Well hurry up and ring me back when it’s clear! (Slamming down the receiver) Damn! All the circuits are full!
PEPPERONI
Good! I can die here in one piece!
ROSALIA
Oh, no! I knew this would happen! (Turning on Maxi) You sneak! You old cheat! Now I’ll never get my money! I should have known better than to listen to your sweet-talk, your lousy promises!
MAXI
Rosalia, please!
MATHILDE
What is that girl raving about?
ROSALIA
Your husband, madame, is a liar! He promised me his bank account and said I was going to be his wife and then he was going to run away and then Schmilk and I would too!
MATHILDE
Maxi! Surely the girl cannot be making all this up?
SENATOR
And don’t forget the divorce papers waiting to be signed!
MATHILDE
So! This is how you plan our golden years! Running off with that backwater beauty queen, that peckerwood princess! You…you…poltroon!
MAXI
Mathilde, please, I beg of you…a gross misunderstanding…a simple case of dementia…It’s you who fill my life! I could never even think of another woman!
MATHILDE
(Building up steam) Oh……..nards!
MAXI
(Dashing to bring her all the bouquets collected on the bar) Lies! Desperate lies! This is what you mean to me! This is how I’ve always felt about your! (Handing her the flowers with a flourish) Happy anniversary, darling!
MATHILDE
(Almost entirely placated by the presentation) Oh, dear! They’re beautiful! Ahh! And a dear little card…
(Maxi darts a questioning glance at Pepperoni. Pepperoni shrugs as Mathilde opens the folded card.)
MATHILDE
(Outraged) So! I am a “Nicotine stain on the undershorts of society,” am I!
MAXI
God! Pepperoni, you swine!
MATHILDE
It’s no longer any use blaming everyone else! I should have seen this coming years ago. From the day you first swindled me out of my father`s fortune and dragged me off to this filthy lump of dirt; from the first feeble gropings and kickings of our wedding night I knew you had made a mockery of my young heart! Flailing about like a salamander in the mud! This was supposed to be the love I had kept for a man? This worm was the lion of my dreams? To think that I had sold myself into such servitude; that I was actually supposed to be grateful for the opportunity of wasting the rest of my life watching your gums recede while you ran our livelihood into the ground with your ineptitude! Thank God I discovered your miserable intentions before another day had passed! I am not a vindictive women, Maxi, you can deduce that from all I’ve tolerated, but I will no longer tolerate being treated like a sow! From this very minute, you will be dealing with a new woman!
(Mathilde sings the following song, backed up by Salome and Rosalia.)
I married a worm
But now it’s his turn to squirm
I was easily hurt
When he’d treat me like dirt
But I’m now proud to say
That hound’s had his day
Cause I`m spankin new mama today!
That`s right: things have changed
And he might say I`m deranged
But if he is rude
Or treats me crude
That fool will be out on the street
But if he stays
And learns my ways
That man will really get a treat.
He’s gonna pinch my chinchie winchie
And then I’ll roast his toastie postie
You know, I’ll have him on his knees
And if I find
That he still won’t mind
I’ll crank it up a few degrees
He’s gonna sizzle my sweet and sour
He’s gonna baste it every hour
You know, he won’t give me no sass
But if he do
I promise you
That I’ll be pleased to kick his ass
Cause that hound done lost his little kitten
And got a spankin new mama today!
Cause, you see, I’ve got my pride
And I couldn’t care if he died
But for this one last chance
That man will dance
Just like a Russian ballet star
And if he’s good
I think it’s understood
We both win a cigar
I’ll whip the poncho off my choncho
And we’ll play tickle mama’s fancy
Cause, man, I swear
This change of heart
Is the only part
Of myself I’m gonna share
He’s gonna learn to snorkel my pamorkel
And then we’ll sit around and chew the fat
You know he just might learn to give
And if I see
He can be good to me
I just might let him live
Cause that hound done lost his little kitten
And got a spankin new mama today!
(Turn around, daddy, let’s smoke those hams!)
Cause I´m spankin new mama today!
ROSALIA
That should set things straight!
MATHILDE
(To Rosalia) My, child, I hope you will forgive my outburst. I’m positive you have been the victim of that man’s mendacity.
(An air-raid siren blasts out two “AHOOOGA”s)
SALOME
(Snapping at the Senator) Now what!
SENATOR
Don’t look at me, look at her. (Indicating Mathilde)
SCHMILK
It’s an air-attack warning!
SENATOR
See. I told you so.
ROSALIA
How can you just sit here and let us be bombed to gelatin?
MATHILDE
Senator, you have brought this destruction down upon us, it is your duty to try and save our lives!
SALOME
What the hell do those lunatics want from us, anyway?
MAXI
They’re right. Anthrax! Can’t you get to the bottom of this?
SENATOR
Oh, alright. (Out the window) What do you schmucks want, anyway?
VOICE OFF
We want women that like us!
PEPPERONI
Saved! Salome, we will always remember your bravery! Now go, and think of me once in a while…
SALOME
It’s too late, Sticky bun, (Virtuously) I’m strictly momogamous now! (Yelling out the window, pushing the Senator aside) Forget it, Crisco creeps! Go oil yourselves and practice your pile-driving!
MAXI
Salome! You`re cutting our throats!
VOICE OFF
Well…give us the Senator, then!
SENATOR
Schmilk! Remember the last time we heard those very words?
SCHMILK
Yessir! That one lady impaled you on her shoe!
SENATOR
Triple-D-width opera pump. Rhinestone-studded. Didn’t need stretching. We’d better take it on the mutton!
(Another near blast of gunfire.)
NICODEMUS
(Running in, still armed) Crave to betide, sir, the Army has turned. This is a grim day for the object of my affections! (Saluting) Sir! In view of your significance in the scheme of things, I strongly suggest subterfuge!
SENATOR
No thanks, those things make me dizzy.
NICODEMUS
No, sir. I mean deception. (Saluting and pointing to the dressing room) The dressing room, sir! A good disguise could avert further mayhem. We could inform the mob that you are merely one of us!
SENATOR
You’re right. Come quickly, men! (To Nicodemus) If nothing else, we’ll stall them. You’ve got one hell of an imagination, Junior!
NICODEMUS
(Saluting) Crave to betide, sir, when faced with a stall, a Veal Scout must often rely on nothing more than his imagination.
MAXI
(As the Senator, Schmilk, Nicodemus and Pepperoni duck into the dressing room) For the love of God, how many times must a man listen to that nonsense!
MATHILDE
He’s your son now. I’ve made up my mind: I will sign your insidious divorce papers! Your behavior tonight has been one example of barbarism after another.
MAXI
Me!
MATHILDE
Therefore, I shall grant you full custody of Nicky and I’ll take the Bahia. If, by some miracle, we survive, I will finally have an opportunity to see to it that this cabaret is run competently for once!
MAXI
(Collapsing) No! The child! It`s too cruel!
(Nicodemus, Schmilk, Pepperoni and the Senator run out of the dressing room. Nicodemus, still bearing the shotgun, is wearing a Napoleonic hat and is fairly smothered in bandoliers. Pepperoni is wearing huge clown pants and suspenders. Schmilk is wearing enormous patterned boxer shorts over his pants, a Tommy helmet with Bozo hair attached and a jersey with a large backwards “S” on it. The Senator emerges dressed in a gold lame´ tutu and a Kaiser Wilhelm helmet. The Senator also carries a ridiculous wand or scepter which matches the lame´outfit.)
SENATOR
Hah! Saved! They won’t see me crawling through the streets, shorn of my dignity!
MAXI
Oh, God! Tell me I’m dead already!
SALOME
(To Rosalia) See, didn’t I warn you? -They’re all like that.
ROSALIA
I think mine looks adorable!
(A roar of planes thunders overhead. More shooting. Bombs.)
ROSALIA
(At the window) We’re saved! It’s the Air Force! They’re bombing everything in sight! Oh, how marvelous!
MAXI
(Daring to hope) Can it be? Did the Marshal get through? Why should they try to save us?
SENATOR
I used to subscribe to their magazine. And some of their wives.
ROSALIA
Oh, no! They’re bombing us, now!
(A massive blast rocks the Bahia. Everybody dives.)
MAXI
This is it! Doomed!
SALOME
(Making a determined last stand) I don’t care if it is the Air Force, nothing’s going to keep me from my one and only wedding! (She grabs Pepperoni and jerks him up beside her) Anthrax, you crummy sack, you’re authorized to perform weddings aren’t you?
SENATOR
Why, certainly. I got my credentials in the Army.
ROSALIA
(Dragging Schmilk beside Salome and Pepperoni) You were the Chaplain?
SENATOR
No, I was the Cannon Fodder. Then I was thrown out on a prurient discharge, and they decided to let me slide.
SALOME
(Maniacally, to the Senator) Then let ‘er rip!
ROSALIA
And us! Schmilkie, we shall die as one!
MATHILDE
And then, (Demonically, to Maxi) the divorce.
SENATOR
Right! Schmilk, my papers!
(Schmilk, grinning like a cretin, hands the Senator a sheaf of papers from the satchel. As the Senator drops and fumbles the papers, Pepperoni and Maxi groan in barely sentient agony. Rosalia and Schmilk, and Pepperoni and Salome group themselves around the Senator. Maxi is collapsed and Mathilde stands by with Nicodemus.)
SENATOR
(Fumbling and losing papers as he speaks) Right, then. Fellow Negroes! Wait a minute. Ah, here it is. Do we have the groom? Good, do we have the horse? Ok. Two guys are walking down the street. Or, as Shelley once wrote: bound and gagged in perfidious night/ My love comes to me like some crapulent moon/ Twirling on my face. Wait a minute. Here we are: one of her slugs had ripped through his heart and…no, hang on. This eunuch product…in sickness and…back, back she arched, emitting a crimson lick of steam. How green was my willie, how gruesome my woollies! Not since E.T. have I laughed so hard. Wait a sec. The French they are a funny race…Oh, what the hell! Salome, do you have that burning, itching sensation?
SALOME
(Passionately) I do!
PEPPERONI
Hey! What about me?
SENATOR
You’ll get it. Well, then: “Why wait? – You haven’t smelled this fresh since Mom made it!” Here! (Still fumbling papers and passing some around) Just sign these!
SALOME
Hey! Are you sure this is normal?
SENATOR
All according to the book. What are you questioning me for? I pronounce you Pepperoni and Salami. I’m the head cheese around here. -You’re just the cold cuts!
(Another round of strafing from the Air Force.)
SALOME
(Leaping on Pepperoni, who is still staggered by it all) Daddy, we’re going to go out twisted and steaming!
ROSALIA
Oh, Schmilk! Can’t you see? Now’s your chance to finally prove what a real man you are! Do it! Do it now!
(Schmilk wrestles with the notion for a second, until the general idea dawns on him. With tremendous elan he drops before Rosalia on one knee, arms extended, a massive grin ripping his face a la Al Jolson.)
SCHMILK
(To Rosalia) Mammy!
(Rosalia clutches herself in ecstasy and twangs. Simultaneously, Schmilk`s outstretched arms knock Nicodemus over, setting off the shotgun, which had been carelessly pointed at Maxi, who falls insensate to the ground.)
SENATOR
Ahh! I’m hit! I was a hit in Pasadena, I was a hit in Cincinnati, and now I’m a-hit in De Loins! Ooo, arrgh! Mother of mercy! A boy has never wept, nor dashed a thousand kim! Don’t mourn for me, boys, amortize!
(As Schmilk attends the Senator in his simulated death-throes, the others crowd around the fallen Maxi.)
MATHILDE
Dear Lord, he’s dead!
PEPPERONI
Hey, Boss! What’s the matter? Talk to us!
ROSALIA
Hah! Bilked again!
SENATOR
(Pushing through) He’s beef jerky now. (Solemnly taking off his helmet to Mathilde) Madame, your husband is maggot-chow!
MATHILDE
Oh! How could this have happened! Maxi! Maxi, how could you end like this? Wait! He’s still breathing!
NICODEMUS
Another close Oedipal shave! -My second today!
PEPPERONI
Look! He just lost an ear is all!
SALOME
Quick, get some bandages, maybe we can get him to the hospital!
(Mathilde cradles Maxi in her arms while Rosalia, Salome and Nicodemus wrap Maxi`s head in gauze.)
SENATOR
(Aside, to audience) Hmph! I should have known: Maxi pads his part!
MATHILDE
We must get him to a clinic!
SENATOR
(Taking Schmilk and Pepperoni aside) Muster round, men, I have an idea! If we can convince those apes that I`m dead, they might just head down to the other end of the island and start looting the estates, giving us enough room to head for the high road!
PEPPERONI
(To Schmilk) See: I told you, we get a full blown Senator here for one night and we can solve the entire crime problem!
(Schmilk and Pepperoni run over to Maxi and load him into the hot-dog cart.)
SENATOR
(Out the window) Hang on, my people, we have fresh meat for you!
(Maxi is now propped in the cart with his head bandaged and one arm hanging down so that he is holding the pose painted in David’s “Death of Marat.” As Schmilk and Pepperoni begin to wheel him over to the window, the telephone rings.)
MAXI
(Awakening) My call to the people of France!
(Pepperoni quickly knocks Maxi unconscious with the reciever and they place him before the window)
SENATOR
(Out the window) Behold, my friends: the Senator is dead!
(An enormous cheer is heard from the street.)
SENATOR
Schmilk, I have a funny feeling about this. Run out there and see if my approval ratings have slipped.
SCHMILK
Sounds like they just went up, sir. I’ll take a poll.
(Schmilk rolls Maxi out of the way and peers out the window.)
VOICES OFF
It`s him! Our hero! He’s finally come! All hail the new leader!
(Cheers and wild exultations off.)
SCHMILK
(Addressing the other actors, baffled) Now what did I do?
SENATOR
It’s the outfit! They think you’re a hero! Hah! We’ll have them dancing to our every whim now! There’ll be dogs snapping at bodies hanging from every lamppost in San Cuspidor! Blood will run like syrup through the streets! With you in the foreground, Schmilk, I`ll have these scrawny swine begging for mercy in no time!
ROSALIA
(Peering at some papers in her hand) Not after they read this. There’s been a mistake.
SENATOR
Haha! I’ll say! (Out the window) I’ll teach you to be revolting!
SALOME
(Looking over Rosalia’s shoulder) It’s true, you slab-necked Nero! According to these papers you swore in Schmilk as the new President!
SENATOR
(Running over and trying unsuccessfully to grab the papers) What?
MATHILDE
(Joining the group) And re-married me…but with full receivership over everything Maxi owned.
SENATOR
No! Everything wrong!
PEPPERONI
Everything right! I’m alive and free!
SALOME
Not exactly. This is your death certificate.
PEPPERONI
Umm…well, Hooray! I ‘m dead and free!
ROSALIA
(Looking at another paper) But you married Sal first…
SALOME
That means I’m in charge! From now on, what I say goes!
ROSALIA
(Throwing herself at Schmilk) Oh, Schmilkie! I always knew you had it in you!
SENATOR
You mean you thought he had it in you!
SALOME
Now we’re really set!
PEPPERONI
(Advancing furiously on the Senator) Except me, you slobbering crook!
(Pepperoni begins tearing his hair. Another siren blows.)
MAXI
(Roused by the siren) My God, the time! It`s ten o`clock! Pepperoni! The second show, quick! Everybody’s here, the people! Rosalia! Salome! Get up there! Do something! Pepperoni, the show, for God’s sake!
MATHILDE
Go ahead, dears. Do as the poor man says.
SENATOR
She’s right! No matter what happens, we must always act normal!
(Pepperoni is caught in the spotlight with the Senator. Rosalia and Salome run up to the small stage. The music starts. Pepperoni attempts an introduction as the others incompetently try to fit in.)
PEPPERONI
(Struggling with the Senator) Love, my friends! Romance! Bahia, land of trilling birds and shining stars, each one a little tear from heaven. Light in the darkness, milk in an onyx saucer! Bahia! Freedom from the wrenching sorrows of life. Death! -I mean happiness! Running streams of pleasure! Kill! Go! Rend yours souls, pour out your steaming guts! Romance, my friends; love!
(The full song starts, catching everybody onstage in their ridiculous outfits and struggles. Everybody sings the song, trying to dance, avoid blows or embrace each other. Maxi madly orchestrates from the hot-dog cart as the city burns.)
Where shall we go, shall we go
Across the sea we will row, you and me
Like birds of paradise to beauty we shall flee
And then who shall we be, shall we be
Like gods of love, in their heaven up above
In skies of blue to our hearts we will be true
And then how shall we dance, shall we dance
A lover’s tango and at midnight dine on mango
One for each, beneath the stars above the beach
As the sun perfumes the sky a rosy gold, together we’ll grow old
Drink little cups of one another, from such heights we’ll never fall
We’ll be in love with the wonder of love’s call!
With our heart, we shall dance with all our heart
On my lap my arms around you I will wrap
Beneath the palms we’ll adore each other on the shore
And then what shall we sing, shall we sing
Of life so nice, in our tropic paradise
As we aspire to that purest of desires
Is it happiness, this happiness
That warms our heart, can such happiness depart
We will bury ourselves deep, forever sleep.
(The song grows wilder as the characters dance sing and brutally fight more and more chaotically to a background of screams and gunfire. The red glow of the burning city blazes fiercely as the stage lights fade out.)
CURTAIN